So, I’ve had a pretty bad run lately in seeing films. I’m not going to name any places, because sometimes it hasn’t been their fault, and other times they’ve made attempts to rectify the situation.
Quite frankly, if I can’t make it to a really quiet session of a film, I’ll usually just watch a decent pirated copy, if it’s available. These are a few notes as to why.
Buried: This was a quiet session, with only about 10 people in the cinema. I’d say that it was a Monday night late session, but I could be wrong. People were chatting into the start of the film. Minor annoyance, but it’s not like the film has a conventional start to it. Some guy and his girl were talking. Not whispering. Talking. This was about 45 minutes into the film. I yelled out a deep “Shut the fuck up, buddy!”, which seemed to silence him. Later, I realised that a girl 3 rows in front of me was giving head to her boyfriend. Charming, eh?
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Nothing like a cinema smelling completely like the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices. Only inattentive cinema staff could miss two heifers carting a large box of KFC into a session.
The Town: I don’t give a shit if your girlfriend doesn’t like the film. You tell her to shut up, or you take her outside. Or, you just punch her in the face. Either, I don’t want to hear her talking in the film. Ditto to girlfriends with boyfriends who are vocal in their disinterest of the film. Oh, and you might have enjoyed it if you hadn’t missed the first ten minutes (and thus, the entire set up for the rest of the film). Get there on time, or shut up and dwell in your ignorance.
The Town: I should mention that before I made it to that session (arriving just before the last trailer started), I went to another cinema of the same chain. After sitting through the ads, I head outside to enquire what the large banging is. Apparently shopping centre management neglected to inform the cinema that construction is going on tonight. The least the cinema can do is cut a loss on my overpriced Coca-Cola and give me a refund, because I’m not hanging around to see a film’s soundtrack supplemented by the joyous noises of construction. I bolted to another nearby location and made it in the nick of time.
Paranormal Activity 2: Session refunded. I left because the cinema clearly didn’t give a shit about controlling the 20 teenagers in the cinema. This chain usually checks on sessions every 15-20 minutes, a little more if it could be a rambunctious crowd, a little less if they’re watching something full of oldies. 10 minutes in, I gave up, and told them I’d catch it another time.
Ironically, when I went to see The Social Network, I had a totally pleasant experience. The irony? I nearly watched a bootleg that hit the net some twelve hours before. I really love the cinema experience. I don’t mind paying $15.00 to see a film on the big screen. What I cannot fucking stand is the general lack of respect people seem to have when seeing a movie.
Some of these events have happened at a cinema that have been good to me. When seeing Easy A, I received a phone call that my workplace at the time (another cinema) had suffered an attempted robbery. They refunded my distributor pass without issue, and I couldn’t give them enough credit for that.
That being said, here’s a few rules to providing a quality cinema experience.
Customers
Don’t be late.
Shut up.
Don’t bring hot food in.
Don’t blow your boyfriend in the cinema. Save it for the bathroom.
Don’t talk.
Don’t talk.
Don’t talk.
Turn off your phones.
Floor Staff
Know the film titles. It’s not difficult.
Check on sessions. Regularly.
If a customer asks you to notify the projectionist that they are out of focus, don’t say that you’ll do it and proceed to stand in the back of the cinema watching the trailers for 15 minutes. Notify the goddamn projectionist.
If you’re providing a sub-par cinema experience, refund the concessions. Why? Because the only reason I bought that overpriced Coca-Cola was to support you guys while watching a film. You want to charge high prices for a soda? Fine. If you refund the ticket, refund the goddamn drink too. It’s your loss for not providing a decent cinema experience.
Accept the fact that I know more about cinema presentation than you, and take the hint.
Projectionists
Check your focus and aperture plates on 35mm flat, 35mm scope. Change a lens? Check everything. Just because you have automation doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check it.
For the record, I don’t believe cinema tickets should be $20.00. I don’t go and see Gold Class, because that’s complete ass. If you’re going to create a stunning cinema with great chairs, make sure the incline is enough so that the average-height person’s head in the row in front of me isn’t cutting into the screen.
The alternative to paying for crappy service is simple. It’s called the internet. And looking at how Video on Demand will change in the next few years, if cinemas don’t lift their game, they’re going to be run into the ground by new films purchased at a premium rate to be delivered straight to the home, or piracy.
I love cinema, but not all of us live in LA, and not all of us can go to the Arclight.
